Brown Journal Entries

Tragic Comedy

2010-08-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

Shaking from side to side

Trying to decide

The best alternative

To living a lie

Thumbing through flickering memories

Needing a sense of clarity

Jumping head first into the tragedy

Living like there's no gravity.

From Stone to Stone

2010-08-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Sinking from the inside out

Fighting 'till the sun goes out

Criss-crossing from stone to stone

Sitting beside myself undone.

The Moment I Said It

2010-06-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

Swirling colors of opal
Fill the canvas of you & me: of us

We come with our hearts undressed
Lips locked tight
Fighting for breath

Take my breath away
Leave me dancing on the floor

Take the heart off your sleeve
I'll take off my inhibition

Take my heart
I come apart in your hands
I melt in your arms

Your lips are all I need
Your eyes are all I see
When I close mine

How the memory of you leaves me wanting
You leave me wanting everything I believe

I believe I'm in love with you:
I am in love with you.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Aquamarine

2010-06-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Aquamarine I've seen the sea~
I've seen the me that used to be.

Standing at the oceans shore~
Afraid to re-open the door.

Aquamarine~
I've seen what the rain has to bring
The one true king who reigns on high.

I've asked the dove to bring him my prayers~
It's hard to tear away from old habits,
But you ordered me to conquer my fears.

Aquamarine~
I pin all my hopes & dreams on you.
I need to take the time to realize the magnitude of things.

My eyes cry for something true~
My tears reveal pools of mirrors
Reflecting me; reflecting you .

Aquamarine~
I dream in blue.

You appeared to me in a pillar of smoke~
I scream my prayers into my cloak .

Dreams flow into the sea~
Back to you, Aquamarine.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Love Affair

2010-06-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

Take your time, do it right
Cry my name, hold on tight
You can't deny it, this feels right

Quit looking out the window
Look into my eyes
Scream louder
I'll make you scream my name
Lick ice-cream off your chest

Sit still
Let me be your windmill
Do I make you feel uneasy: dirty, filthy, sleazy?

We can take it slow
Play dress-up in the snow
Between the sheets
I'll leave a light on for you

When we talk we stalk each other
With a penetrating gaze
Wanting to be more than friends
Needing something more

When you're near my fingers start to tingle
With lovesick electricity
Craving you like white chocolate
Thirsting your touch like iced tea on a summers day
Walking between the lines

Chasing you like a jaguar
Swinging from tree to tree
I want you on your knees

Take me in your arms
Let's take up arms
Let's play a game
You be the happily married man
I'll be the Sunday school teacher
Waiting for you to teach me a lesson
In hypocrisy.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Dirk

2010-06-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Zigzag--
Am I a fag
Or just another queer?

A deer caught in the head-lines:
Afraid of the stigma of being labeled "gay."

I've tried to sift through all the lies
Now it's time to open my eyes;
It's time for me to be true to myself,
I am a man & nothing more.

A man with many demons
And a thousand & 1 insecurities:
Trying to rationalize what I can't deny.

Flip-flopping back & forth--
Am I or aren't I?

Feeling so confused--
My mind is clouded with thoughts abated.

I'm tired of having to defend;
I'm weary of the prospect of being typecast:
I am a man & nothing more.

Ticktock--
I am the abbreviation
Of 20 something consternation.

Headphones on
Always having to be on;
Pretending to be a man sure of himself:
Obstinately performing in this merry-go-round of lies.

Tightrope walking over a lake of fire
The warning is clear, the message is dire--

I am a fag, I am a queer
I am a deer caught in the dead-lights
Of living a life half-alive.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Purple Flame

2010-06-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

Riverborn--
My heart was torn.
Feel in love with a boy,
Thought he was a toy.

Blue with envy:
I questioned myself,
I surveyed every feeling.

Jealous & possessive--
I desire an unending fire;
A lover who can extinguish my violet flame.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Tether

2010-06-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Give me seconds, give me thirds
Do I deserve what you've preserved?
Lovesick, heartsick--kept chained inside

Numb--tight lipped, captive to the fear
Listening to the gears as they begin to turn
Watching in dismay as everything starts to rust

I must release myself & become one among the captives
Love crippled, my heart's petrified of letting someone in
Losing sleep--tossing & turning amongst the sheets

Moonlit screams come piercing in--waking me from my dream
Breaking every tether, drifting like a feather
I smoother the 3 leaf clover, list I wish for another dreamboat lover.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Coyote Fiction

2010-06-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

Gushers pouring all around
Beating drums come thundering 'round
Stifled by a man I do not know--I've never seen

Feeling a familiar feeling long since passed
Forgetting where my journey is supposed to take me
Distracted by my heart
Giving in to sinking feelings of love & adoration

Lost in a web of contradiction
Fighting thoughts of grief & benediction
Living a mundane life made-up of fiction
Transfixed in the aftermath before it's begun
Fixated on the past, never living in the present

My heart belongs to Daniel; my soul belongs to God
Caught in a tug of war between happiness & sin
Always mute for fear of scorn
The feeling is forlorn for I cannot confess my love
I cannot christen my heart for fear of treason

I confess my love for God with my lips, but my heart remains far from him
I unknowingly surrendered my heart into the hands of the cunning deceitful coyote
He came to me in a dream masked as an angel of light
He whispered words of flattery & charm: he lulled me into his arms
He captivated me with his blue eyes of sincerity & promises of love
He vowed to be everything I needed, in exchange I do the same
His name resonates every time I think of him

Standing in the sun, fading into the light
Wallowing in tainted memories of a promise turned to blight
He left me without a heart
He corrupted any hope for a true love.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Faun

2010-06-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

1 by 1 the day is gone
Like a faun I turn to run
Into the thicket of ambiguity
Caught in a tidal-wave of hit & misses
Drunk with longing
Drowning in the aftershave
Reaching for a hand to save me
A word of comfort to console me
Soaring through the thunder-storm
With the feeling of gratitude slowly dissipating
Riddled with confusion
Afraid of the reality
That I may never become the angel
Everyone wants me to be
Petrified
I'm only a man
What nameless hand can save me
From the sinking sand!?

Poet: Skyy Allen

Thw Witching Hour

2010-06-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

Losing sleep, afraid of the beast I will become
Tossing & turning between love stained sheets
Consumed with passion; undefiled passion

Hungering for a love to devour: a fire I can consume
Howling at the moon, no sooner do I become a wolf

Chasing unsuspecting hopefuls, hunting love-drunk devotees
Dragging men into my bed, there I sink my teeth into their benediction
Lapping up milk & sweat during the matinee of friction

Lost within the witching-hour
Awakening with no recollection
Of the collection of men between my teeth.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Half Light

2010-06-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

There's a creature stirring beneath the trees
Shifting among the leaves
A love-drunk beast perched upon the ease
Baying in the moonlight

Too petrified to speak I stand frozen
Helplessly watching as the beast turns towards me
Seeing myself in the monsters eyes
The air feels heavy with the stench of loss

With every step comes the angel of death
Piercing my soul with an icy stare
Glaring at me, carefully examining me
Slowly his demeanor starts to change

I begin to recognize his familiar eyes
He hesitates & hastily turns away
Escaping into the starry night
Never to be seen again.

Poet: Skyy Allen

The River & the Spark

2010-06-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dancing in the dark
Between the river & the spark
Afraid of the sun
Of becoming undone

Holding my fist in the air
Warning the guises to beware
For I'm in love
In love with a boy

He gave me his heart
I gave him my soul
The two of us became whole
While dancing in the dark
Between the river & the spark

With my head pressed firmly against his chest
We looked up at the stars
And evaporated into the night.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Domingo & Santiago

2010-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

Windswept lovers blown to & fro
Lost at sea so long ago
Their time together was bittersweet
Years have past, their love repeats
Picking up where they last left off...

Windswept lovers from long ago
Their names were Domingo & Santiago
Lost at sea, their love transcends
Their love repeats...

Poet: Skyy Allen

Trite

2010-06-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

You kiss me like lyrics to a song
My head spins round, my heart feels numb
With my finger on repeat
We evaporate into the sheets

The moon is full our hearts in heat
A howl, a cry, a vehement sigh
The night is young & full of fervor
The taste of your skin is sweet to savor

Pillow-talk feels so impersonal
When I look into your eyes what do I see?
It's best I don't say
For to sleep perchance to dream

And dream I must
To quench the flames of a fervent lust.

Poet: Skyy Allen

The Hearts Regret

2010-06-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

If I could hold you, console you, tell you how much I love you
Then maybe, do you think you could find it in your heart to love me?
I know I said I could live without you
But deep down I knew it was a lie.

Every time I think of you I can't help but smile
I searched for miles
Trying to find the right words to tell you how much I need you
I apologize for never returning your calls
I'm sorry I never told you I loved you
You're the only man for me.

No matter how much I've tried to fight it
My heart always thinks of you
You stole my heart
Won't you give me the chance to do the same?
We could go to your favorite club
Hangout with all your bitchy friends
Go for a hike in the desert of your childhood
Revisit your old neighborhood.

If you could love me as I love you
Imagine what we could accomplish
Forsaking the ides of March
Overcoming everything we've done to one another
I know myself better now
Give me your word & I'll strive to be a better man
I vow to love only you till the end of time.

Poet: Skyy Allen

White Vegas

2010-06-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Breaking the sky with the object of my affection
Peering down the wishing well
Leaves me to wonder about heaven & hell?

Who's to tell of our destruction
For we are vessels
With volatile intentions

Never wanting to be outdone
Life's a cabaret
A masquerade of fun

When the sun goes down
The debauchery begins
Spinning, spitting, cursing the wind

Visitor beware!
Of the devil hare
Hidden beneath your drunkards chair

Play the question in your hand
Spit red lightning
Turn to sand

That hooker in your tiger lap
Makes me nauseous
Makes me laugh!

Vegas can be so vicious
Devouring young hopefuls
And naive fools

Sitting on a shanty stool
I awaken to a drumming in my head
Wishing I were dead.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Relief

2010-06-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Listening to my heart breathing
Closing my eyes to the chaos within
Burning bridges in my wake
Trying hard not to anticipate what may
Restraining thoughts so strong
Pulling, pushing, screaming to be free
Something feels out of place
The memory of your face is gone
Staring at the phone
Resisting the urge to call
Standing with my back against the wall
The seasons change
And before you know it we're back where we last left off
Dusting old memories, rummaging through records spent
Counting the times I played the fool
Counting the times I took my heart off me sleeve
And gave it to a man in disbelief
Laughing for no particular reason
Other than being alive in this present moment
As bad as I thought things were
I always had my friends to turn to
Reaching for the door the telephone rings
The sirens start to sing
Listening to my heart breathing
I breathe a sigh of relief.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Roller Coaster

2010-06-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Buttoned up
To the neck
Forget about me,
Forget about everything
You say I'm so "up tight"
I can't come "undone"
Well pardon me for being twenty-three
But living has become something of a necessity
Especially for me

The two of us were fine
Living completely separate lives
Please tell what's changed?
I know my heart's grown distant
I knew we were headed for disaster
Since the day I told you
Loving you is like riding a roller coaster

Buttoned down
All the way down
Like an open night gown
Naked, raw & vulnerable
Is this what you wanted?
To see me in my weakest
Most unoffensive state!?

My heart tends to skip a beat when you're around
I know what I want
And what I want is you lying naked in my bed
I need the touch of your body
To quiet the pounding rhythm in my head.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Love Scene

2010-06-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dissecting every little microscopic word you said
Trying to navigate through the torrents in your head
Piecing together shared remnants of your past
Am I the first, will I be the last!?
Old insecurities come surging in
Like an unexpected summer storm
Tell me, am I any closer to understanding you?
Am I hot or cold to finally unearthing your distant heart?
I know I tend to cling, I know I can agitate at times
But please don't let your love for me turn to hate
It's not too late to negate the past
Let's just hold each-other tight
Like a love scene from our past.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Crossing Invisible Lines

2010-06-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

Driving cross country taking pictures to commemorate the century. Chased by flashing lights, speeding through the night. I guess I could be a model citizen if I wanted to, but where's the fun in that? It's fun to rock the melancholy boat every now & again. Shooting the breeze: patiently waiting for the fuzz to freeze. Never mind the late night parties & subsequent hangovers. Put to rest the need to penetrate the beast. How many times must we falter before we break down in laughter!? Remember when we almost got arrested? You just had to open your mouth. Remember the time when we'd get lost on purpose just to stay out an extra hour? Go figure, it would take my baby face & your brains to get us out of sticky situations. Driving cross country burning the midnight oil. Taking pictures to commemorate the memory.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Shaman

2010-06-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Thinking absolutely nothing, yet needing something just the same. I have my pride, my strife, my doubts--though never quite ascending to greater hights than self. Full of mortal intricacies & predictive mindless tendencies. Subpoenaed in a room of shadows. Lingering in & out of childhood sorrows. If I had the strength to change myself, I'd change into a torrent if just for a moment, & lement over all that I have done. For seeded deep within lies the screwtape seed of sin. No sooner than I began do I find myself hand in hand with the shaman. Seated around a ring of mirrors, the shaman comes with blood & mire, anointing my head with hope on fire. He chants a prayer, a vex, a snare; casting me off into Satan's lair.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Temperamental Love

2010-06-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

It's a sad sight to see you broken, like I am broken
It's better to howl at the moon
Than to bury yourself in your room.

It's a sad sight to see you hurting, like I am hurting
It's better to stop while we're ahead
Than to lose ourselves, than to lose our heads.

It's a sad sight to see you grieving, like I am grieving
Over a love that could have been
But had to let go of for reasons unforeseen.

It's sad to see you mourning in your bed
Like I am mourning in my head
What can I say to make things better?

It's best I let you grieve
Than to try & make everything okay
Than to try & make you see things my way.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Styx & Tiger-lilies

2010-06-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

Stargazing tiger-lilies
Riding in the backseat of the night
Feeling so strange, so extra-ordinary
Pointing fingers at streaming lights
Whizzing through the night
Wasting time, just skipping stars
The night is ours
We could run to Mercury
We can visit Mars
Maybe even sing a hymn of ours

Stargazing tiger-lilies
Painting pictures of prison bars
Visiting Hercules behind old cars
Casting pages in the river Styx
Waiting for Charon to ferry us
Across the river of the dead.

Poet: Skyy Allen

Confession(s): pt. 1

2010-06-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

So many secrets buried deep inside. Afraid of the monster I pretend not to be. The demons of my past won't let me rest, won't let me be. I abused myself, I confess. Never feeling good enough: never feeling adequate in this game we play. Pretending to be confident, masquerading in a mask of irony. Subsidizing every need with things. Surrounded in a home of make-believe. I pretend to believe in the obvious. Discussing politics & religion; every breath we take feeds the dark. I can be so black, dark as onyx. Picking everything & body apart. Dissecting every feeling, every need. Deciphering the meaning behind every action. I lied to everyone around me, pushing everybody away, it's true. Living a lie, pretending I fit in, all the while drowning in fear. Fear of rejection of being found out. Just another "sexually confused" boy born to live a life of strife, just what I don't need another reason to hide away for fear of damnation. Tightrope walking over a lake of fire, the message is clear, the warning is dire. Before I begin to breathe, I best be conscious of the fire beating down upon my back. I have a heart full of love, but no one to give it to. Trying to be as honest as I can, excavating the remnants of my heart. Preserving the never-ending fire of yearning for someone with substance & desire.

Poet: Skyy Allen